1 Pet 3.1-7

our visible testimony: husbands & Wives

(1 Peter 3.1-7)

Jason Procopio

Last week Peter took us in a direction not all of us wanted to go. He’d been talking about this incredible grace God has given us in chapter 1 and 2, and told us that since we have received this grace, we should talk about it—we are called to proclaim God’s excellencies to the world. 

Then starting in v. 11 of chapter 2, he started giving us examples of what it looks like to do this as a church. And the two examples he gave are difficult ones. He said that since we belong to God, and now are his servants, we must submit to the just authorities under whom we find ourselves. And if we ever find ourselves under authority which is unjust, we should submit to them as well, in all respect—not being content to stay in a situation of unjust suffering, but following Christ’s example of seeking the good even of those who hurt us. 

Knowing that God has saved us, and that in him we are free, we live as people who are free, not using our freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God.

This is an example of the church’s testimony on a grand scale. But what does the church’s testimony look like on a small scale? When it comes down, not only to us as a group, but to us as individual units? People in the outside world won’t necessarily get to see us all together; they’ll see us as individuals, or as families. So to give one example of what this kind of testimony looks like, Peter turns to the subject of marriage.

Now he doesn’t give an entire theology of marriage here; he knows full well that the Old Testament has given this to us already, and it’s at least possible that he’s read a copy of Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, which speaks to this subject at length (the two letters were written around the same time). So he’s just giving really practical commands here; he’s assuming that his readers know the bigger picture already, or that the elders of their churches will explain these things to them.

I can’t assume everyone here knows these things, because I don’t know all of you. So before we start looking at what Peter says we’re going to see a very quick overview of this subject. And it’s incredibly important that we see this, because what Peter says here is going to seem incredibly strange if we’re not aware that marriage in the Bible means something. It’s not just a social institution, it’s not just what you do when you’re in love with someone.

We don’t have time to read it all now, but in Ephesians 5.22-33, the apostle Paul lays out instructions for married couples—and kind of folded into those instructions, he also gives us the Bible’s entire viewpoint on marriage itself. He takes us back to Genesis chapter 2, when God creates the man and gives him the primary responsibility of keeping and cultivating the garden; then creates the woman, and gives her the responsibility of being the primary helpmate to the man. So the man has a responsibility to fulfill—to fill the earth and subdue it, to work and to keep what God has given him—and he cannot do it alone; so God gives him a wife to help him fulfill it. 

So God sets up this complementary relationship between the man and the woman, and then Paul picks that up and says, husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church; sacrifice for her; protect her; take care of her; provide for her. And he says, wives, your husband cannot do that without you; so recognize the responsibility that is on his shoulders, and help him bear it. Honor him, respect him, and help him. (That’s what he means when he says, “Wives, submit to your husbands”—he’s saying, wives, recognize the responsibility they have, and help them fulfill that responsibility.)

And then in v. 31-32, Paul drops the bomb on us—he quotes Genesis 2.24, when God created the first man and the first woman, and he says, “This institution—the institution of marriage—isn’t about you; it’s about Christ and the church. And it’s been that way from the very beginning, since before sin ever came in and screwed up marriage.”

God’s intention for marriage is that it be a living symbol which reflects the relationship between Christ and his church. It is a living testimony to the world—that’s what we’ve been talking about these last two weeks. 

(And by the way, if you’re single, I know how annoying it is to hear about marriage again. Two things: statistically, many of you are likely to be married one day. And until that day comes, you aren’t lacking anything as a single man or woman. Singleness means something too—it means the living testimony of a unified heart: a heart which is free to completely focus on the advancement of the kingdom of God. The Bible has a lot to say about singleness too. What Peter’s going to say here goes deeper than marriage; he’s going to lay out for us what kind of men and women we should be.)

So we need to keep the meaning of marriage in mind as we read this text, because we’re going to run up against it in the very first verse of chapter 3. Turn in your Bibles to 1 Peter 3, and let’s start reading. 

Wives/Husbands (v. 1-6)

Likewise, wives...

Now stop there for a moment. Peter starts this verse with the word, “Likewise.” What is that “likewise” referring to?

Remember what we saw last week, in 2.11-25. He talked about the reasons why we as a church and as Christians should submit to authority, even if that authority is difficult for us. And I think he puts these two together because he knows that a lot of women are going to look at their husbands and go, “Really? You want me to let this guy take responsibility? He can’t even take responsibility to lift up the toilet seat.” He knows that many of the women to whom he is writing are probably married to either well-meaning idiots, or to outright unkind, unbelieving men: he knows that some of them may not be obeying the word. 

Well, he addressed a similar situation, just before, when he talked about servants and their masters. They too are stuck in a situation in which they might be playing second fiddle to a man who causes them to suffer unjustly. And what did he tell those servants? That they should look to the way Christ reacted to unjust suffering (2.22-23):  

22 He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. 23 When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.

Christ knew that God had a plan for his suffering, and he knew that God would judge sin. So he says (v. 1 again):

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. 

Now we mentioned it briefly before, but let’s go ahead and drag it out into the open—the two words that are going to anger some of you here are submit (or be subject to) and obey. We saw before that what he’s speaking about is not what we usually have in mind when we think of obedience or submission. This isn’t Abraham sitting on the couch, watching a football game, ordering Sarah to get him a beer and rub his feet, then screaming at her and hitting her if she doesn’t do it.

The situation the Bible calls us to is one in which the husband is taking the initiative to spiritually guide his family, to protect his family, to provide for his family, and in which the wife is responding to that initiative by following him and helping him in it. 

I have never given my wife an order. I’ve never told her what to do, or demanded she follow me blindly into a course of action. Without exception, when there is a decision to make, we discuss it together, and we come to a decision together.

But what happens when after long discussion and consideration, you just can’t come to a consensus? For Loanne and me, this has happened twice, in our seventeen years of marriage. Neither case was a situation in which one of us wanted to do something sinful; it came down to really practical life decisions.

In the first case, after a lot of thought and consideration, she came to me and said, “I’m still not convinced this is what we should do. But you’re the one who’s responsible for this family. So if you really think we should do this, let’s do it.”

In the second case, I could see that doing what I was sure to be the right thing would actually do damage to my wife. My putting my foot down in this case would have caused her to go against her own conscience. So this time, I was the one to say, “Let’s do it your way.” 

In both cases, Loanne’s submitting to me did not mean blind obedience; it meant rather recognizing the responsibility I had to lead our family, and accepting to follow me and support me in that responsibility. 

That’s what he’s talking about.

So that being said, let’s go back to the reason why Peter tells wives to act in this way. V. 1 again: Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

We should acknowledge that what Peter says here is also true in almost every other situation in which we can find ourselves. Obviously we need to be sharing the gospel with unbelievers. This is the primary means by which God saves us—through the proclamation of the good news of Jesus Christ.

But it is also vitally important that we remember that most often, God uses the visible testimony of believers to bring that gospel message home to people. The way we live our lives is one of the greatest convincers that this good news is actually good news. We live holy lives, not just for ourselves, but for others.

That’s speaking generally. But when we address the specific situation Peter’s addressing here, we have to be clear about what he’s talking about. He’s not talking about dating. He’s talking about marriage. If you’re considering dating an unbeliever in the hopes of winning them over for Christ, Peter’s not speaking to you here. If that’s your goal, just stay friends. 

Even if in our day and culture there seems to be very little difference between being married and just being “together,” in the Bible the distinction is huge. This is why the Bible says that if you’re a believer, and you’re looking to get be with someone, find another believer, someone who shares your faith, and marry that person. 

Because for God, marriage means something. Marriage is a picture of the relationship between Christ and his church.  

So what he’s saying here doesn’t apply if you’re dating an unbeliever and you’re hoping to win him over. In that context, it will more than likely work the other way around. 

Like we saw last week, Peter’s not saying these things for us to find loopholes, for us to figure out what we are allowed to do. He’s saying these things to people who are already in these situations, and who are asking themselves now, “How then should I live in this particular situation?” 

So the situation he is describing is that of a married woman whose husband is either an unbeliever or a man who claims to be a believer, but who is living in active disobedience to the Word of God. 

So here’s what you need to see. Wives, you have an insane amount of power over your husbands. The Bible calls you to help your husbands carry the load of their responsibility—which includes helping them to be holy men. You, more than perhaps any other person, have the ability to help your husband grow in holiness, or to hinder his holiness. You have an incredible power over him. 

But there is a way to go about using that power for your husband’s good. So what is that way?

V. 3:  

3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4 but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. 

So wives, you are called to help your husbands fulfill their responsibility. Many of you could do this with both hands tied behind your back. You could easily take charge and organize things and even get everything done for him, way more efficiently than he could do it himself.

But that’s not what Peter’s calling you to here. He’s going further than what Paul said in Ephesians 5—he’s not just talking about what you should do, but the way you should go about it. He’s not just calling you to do what the wife is called to do; but to be a specific kind of wife.

If you are a Christian wife, you will be distinctive from other wives—in three main ways. 

You will be distinctive, first of all, in the way you attract your husband to you. He says (v. 4), Don’t let your adorning be external —the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 

So is Peter against accessorizing? No, he’s just saying to choose your accessories well.

Now listen carefully, especially if you’re young and single, because you need to know this a long time before getting married. Peter’s not saying a Christian woman can’t dress nice, or wear jewelry, or wear makeup. 

He’s saying that’s not what makes you attractive. 

He talks about a woman’s “adorning.” Our “adorning” is what we show to the world (everything exterior—clothes, hair, makeup, jewelry, etc.). It is our attempt to project to others our own idea of ourselves. And it’s all too often about creating a public persona, about hiding who we really are in order to show others who we want to be.

But Peter does something that should be revolutionary in the 21st century. He makes a clear link between purity and adornment. He says, essentially, that holiness is far more attractive than external beauty. The call to be holy is a reordering of our culture’s ideas of beauty. 

The reason is simple. The person who is pure, who is holy, who is like Christ… This person has nothing to prove—nothing she has to show, nothing to hide. This person doesn’t need to convince anyone she is beautiful, because she is like Christ, and there is nothing more beautiful than him.

But here’s the thing many women have a hard time believing: their husbands agree with that. When a husband sees holiness in his wife, as beautiful as he may find her, the holiness he sees in her will trump her physical beauty every single time, and even enhances that beauty. Why? Because we were made in the image of God, created to reflect God’s holiness to others, and to respond to God’s holiness when we see it in others.

And I’ll go so far as to say that this applies even to wives who are married to unbelievers. When you live like Christ—not in your religious practices, but in your character—your husband will be drawn to that, whether he realizes why or not. 

So wives, you are called to be distinctive in the way you attract your husband to you—not in your clothes, or accessories, or anything else external—but in your conduct, in your purity, in your holiness.

Secondly, you are called to be distinctive in what your attitude reflects.

I racked my brain trying to figure out how to explain “the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit”. Because a lot of women—particularly those of you who have strong personalities—will read that and think he’s telling you to ignore your personality and become some kind of demure, 1950s housewife. And that’s not what he means; but if it’s not that, what does that look like? What does it look like for a strong woman to have a gentle and quiet spirit?

I asked my wife this question, because gentle and quiet aren’t the first words you’d use to describe her. She is incredibly intelligent, has a fairly aggressive personality, and is incredibly efficient at everything she does. But in seventeen years of marriage, I have seen her actually live this out—and I’ve never been able to figure out quite how she manages it: how she manages to be assertive and proactive and “gentle and quiet” at the same time.

Here’s what she said, and it’s brilliant (and applies to both men and women, by the way, so listen up). She said, “I’ve learned that what goes through my brain is almost never so important or so urgent that I have to say it right away. No matter what it might seem like to me at the time, it can almost always wait. So if it stays in my mind for longer than a few minutes, I write it down. And I let it sit for a few days. Then after a few days—when I’m no longer emotional, when I can look at it more objectively—I come back to it, and 90% of the time, it’s not worth saying. And if it is worth saying, then I can bring it up at the right time in the right way.”

You see, this is an incredibly practical means of applying to the heart what Peter says here. The discipline of patient reflection shows that she trusts God to do what she herself can’t. It is the evidence of measured thought. It is the evidence of courage—that she can count on God to do a good job with me. She doesn’t need to nag me, because she knows the Holy Spirit convicts his children. She doesn’t need to belittle me, because she knows I’ll be much more likely to hear what she says if she says it with love and respect rather than anger.

Be distinctive in what your attitude reflects: gentleness, measured thought, courage.

And finally, he says to be distinctive in the way others see you esteem your husband.

Peter says (v. 6) that Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. This is a strange thing to say, because only once is it ever recorded in the Bible that Sarah called Abraham “lord.” (This wasn’t a term of superiority, but of respect and deference.) 

The only time in the Bible we see Sarah calling Abraham “lord” is in Genesis 18.12, when God appears to Abraham in the form of the three visitors, and tells him that he will have a son, even though he and Sarah are both very old. Sarah hears this and laughs, saying, “After I am worn out, and my lord is old, shall I have pleasure?” 

In his excellent commentary on this book, Thomas Schreiner writes that Peter says what he says in v. 6 because in Genesis 18.12, Sarah is throwing out an inconsequential sentence. She’s just reacting to what the three visitors had said. It’s one of those things you say without fully thinking about what you’re saying.

And the face that she calls Abraham “lord” in that moment, in the context of a reaction, shows how she saw her husband when her brain was running in neutral. That esteem, that respect for him, was the default mode of her mind. She’s surprised; her surprise pulls a spontaneous reaction out of her; and in that spontaneous reaction, the way she instinctively describes her husband is with a term of respect.

It’s important to note, by the way, that Abraham wasn’t always worthy of respect—if you read his story, you’ll know that he was far from perfect. But it’s not about merit; it’s about the disposition of Sarah’s heart, whether her husband deserved it or not.

Ladies, listen very closely—whether you’re married or not. This kind of woman—who is holy in her conduct, who is gentle and courageous and patient, who is respectful even in front of others—this kind of woman makes a husband want to become a better man. She treats him like a man worthy of respect, and that makes him want to become this man. There is nothing—absolutely nothing—more attractive, and more thrilling, for a husband, than to have a wife like this. Of course that shouldn’t be your primary motivation—you should live this way to glorify God—but this is just further proof that God only commands what is good for us. There is nothing better than a wife like this.

Now, it seems like Peter is putting an awful lot on the wife’s shoulders—some would say, unfairly so (after all, he only devotes one verse to the husbands, and that verse says something which has offended a lot of women). But when he turns to the husbands, the one verse he addresses to them runs so counter to the way men would have seen their relationships to their wives, at that time—and sadly in many cases, ever since—that we should see it as a wake-up call.

Husbands/Wives (v. 7)

7 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 

So again, let’s address the elephant in the room. Peter’s calling the woman “the weaker vessel” has been the source of all kinds of discontent amongst women, and all kinds of abuse amongst men. Men and women both have read this and assumed that he’s implying women are morally weaker, or intellectually weaker, or emotionally weaker, than men—and so some men have used this verse to justify abusing women by being domineering and authoritarian, and women have used this verse to justify rejecting the Bible. 

This is a travesty. It is an insult to Scripture that we would take it this way, because clearly that’s not true. 

Clearly women aren’t emotionally weaker than men; sometimes you express those emotions differently, but obviously you aren’t emotionally weaker than us. (Just ask a woman in an abusive relationship who is emotionally weaker—her, or the idiot she’s married to who can’t control his anger.) 

Clearly women aren’t intellectually weaker than men. It sounds ridiculous now to even suggest such a thing in 2020, and thank God for that. My wife is way more intelligent than I am, more intelligent than most people I know.

And clearly women aren’t morally weaker than men; every pastor in the world can tell you that unfortunately, if there is one member of a couple who is generally the more morally sensitive member, it is usually the wife.

So what does Peter mean when he calls the woman “the weaker vessel”? 

I heard someone describe it this way, and I think he’s absolutely right. He said, “The man is a Thermos; the woman is a goblet.” I’m not a big guy, but I can open jars that she can’t open. I can lift things she can’t lift. 

Now of course there are exceptions to this; there are women bodybuilders, professional athletes, who could destroy pretty much any man here. But generally speaking, men tend to be physically stronger than women. We’re just built differently. This is how God made us. The man is like a Thermos, the woman is like a goblet. 

And that accounts for not just the way we’re built, but also the way you handle one or the other. Some men, simply because of their physical size, can intimidate their wives. They can impose themselves on their wives, because the wives know that if it comes down to it and he gets really angry with her, she won’t be able to defend herself. They can use their physical strength as a means to call out sin in their wives, all while hiding sin in themselves—“Don’t you dare say anything about this.”

Is it really so hard to believe that there are men like this out there? Tragically, it’s not.

So Peter is pressing on this tendency that men have to be domineering, to intimidate their wives, to be aggressive with their wives. 

He says, “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way.” Now we can take this on a surface level, and that superficial interpretation is still absolutely true. I guarantee you, men: there will be things which are important to your wife which you will not understand. For you it will seem completely inconsequential; but for her it will be hugely important. 

Guys, if it’s important for her, it needs to be important for you. Even if it’s not—it needs to be. You need to take her word for it that even if you don’t think it’s important, it is. (And just so we’re clear, nine times out of ten, she’s right: it actually is important, and you need her to help you see that.)

But Peter’s being more specific than just saying that we should be generally understanding with our wives; literally, this verse is translated “living together according to knowledge”. 

He’s calling us to know our wives: to know them well enough that we can discern their needs and provide for them. He’s calling us to know them well as women (how God created them and what he has called them to do) and as individuals (their particular character and strengths and weaknesses). We need to be experts in our wives. We’re called to know what God has called them to do in regards to our family; to know their desires, their goals, their struggles; their strengths and weaknesses. We cannot take care of our wives if we don’t know them. 

This will be a life-long process. I’ve been married seventeen years, and I’ll be honest with you: most of the time, she is a total enigma to me. After all this time, I’ve barely scratched the surface of who my wife is. But I’m learning. I’m studying her. I’m taking notes. And hopefully, I’m better able to take care of her today than I was at the beginning.

Peter says, “Husbands, show honor to your wife as the weaker vessel.” This too goes deeper than just a statement on her physical strength. He says, “Show her honor.” There is an invisible sign on your wife marked, “Handle with care.” 

You don’t handle a Fabergé egg the same way you handle a bowling ball. Why? Because a Fabergé egg is precious. It is valuable. It is beautiful and worthy of your care. Show her honor, because she is precious.

And he gives two additional reasons why we should act this way towards our wives. He says that they are heirs with you of the grace of life. This, again, is a slap in the face to the claims of superiority men have so often lorded over their wives. When Peter says that our wives are heirs with us of grace, he’s levelling the playing field. He’s saying we are equals. As Paul said in Galatians 3.28, in regards to grace, there are no nationalities, there is neither male nor female, but we are all one in Christ.

And that equality is affirmed in the roles God gave us. God gave men this primary role of responsibility in our families, and then said, “But you can’t do it alone. You need help.” 

If I ask for your help, I’m not belittling you; I’m affirming the fact that you have something I do not, something I need. Affirming that we need our wives’ help honors them; it doesn’t belittle them. They are our equals—co-heirs with us of the grace of life. So we must honor them as equals.

And lastly, he adds one final reason why we must treat them this way: so that your prayers may not be hindered. This is a tricky phrase, and almost impossible to translate effectively. The “hindering” of our prayers here is a form of discipline which comes from God, not an obstacle coming from some other corner. In other words, if God sees us acting toward our wives in a way which is contrary to what Peter says here, he will lovingly make prayer more difficult for us. And that’s a big deal, because praying for our wives is the first, and perhaps the greatest, way in which we care for them. 

Wayne Grudem wrote about this verse: “So concerned is God that Christian husbands live in an understanding and loving way with their wives, that he ‘interrupts’ his relationship with them when they are not doing so. No Christian husband should presume to think that any spiritual good will be accomplished by his life without an effective ministry of prayer. And no husband may expect an effective prayer life unless he lives with his wife ‘in an understanding way, bestowing honour’ on her. To take the time to develop and maintain a good marriage is God’s will; it is serving God; it is a spiritual activity pleasing in his sight.”

Conclusion

In the church, God has given us two very basic contexts in which we live our testimony before the eyes of the world, as men and women. The first is singleness—the way you who are single live your lives in the church, in relationship with your brothers and sisters, for God’s glory. We should all be doing this, but if you’re single, you’re able to do it in a way married people can’t—wholeheartedly, and undivided, with all of your time and effort and energy. So if you’re single, don’t look down on your singleness. Take advantage of it. Use it to your fullest power, for God’s glory. 

The second context is marriage—the way you as husband and wife display the relationship between Christ and his church. 

Both contexts exist not just for our good, but for the good of those in the world who are observing us. We rarely think of marriage or singleness in these terms, because we’re so often focused on what’s going on in our own lives, in our own homes. But Peter is explicit that we are to live public lives which honor God.  

Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, he said in 2.12, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.  

You are a chosen race, he said in 2.9, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. 

Our lives—our singleness, and our marriages—are not our own. They belong to God, to display his excellencies to the world. There is no call more serious, and there is no call more glorious.