Married, Single, Faithful to God (1 Corinthians 7.1-16)

One of the questions that preoccupies Christians the most is this: “What is God’s will for my life?” I’ve had discussions with so many people over the years about this question, and it always strikes me that when people ask it, they’re almost always asking about situation. Does God want me to work in this job, or marry this person, or live in this city? We act as if God has a map with every step of his plan for us, but he hasn’t shared it with us—instead, he gives us really vague and subjective clues that we have to try to puzzle out and somehow land on the life God wants us to live.

It is such a relief to learn that this is not the case.

Last week, Joe did a fantastic job explaining the problem of sexual immorality in the church in Corinth, and why Paul tells them to flee from it. These people assume that because God has saved their souls, their bodies aren’t really that important, so they can do pretty much whatever they want with them. And Paul says, NO! Your bodies aren’t your own, they belong to God, they are a temple of the Holy Spirit who lives within you. He created your bodies, and what you do with those bodies is very important to him. So flee from sexual immorality. That’s what we saw last week.

It seems that some people in the church also misunderstood this point, but in the opposite direction.

Paul begins chapter 7 by saying, “Now concerning the matters about which you wrote…” Apparently the Corinthians had written Paul a letter expressing some concerns or misunderstandings, and Paul is taking advantage of his teaching at the end of chapter 6, which shows one end of the spectrum, to answer their questions and show the other end of the spectrum.

Intro: Called Where You Are (v. 17, 20, 24)

That’s what we’re going to be looking at for the next couple weeks. But before we get into the practical details (because what Paul writes here is very practical), we need to see why he’s saying it. There is one overarching principle that we see in more depth next week, but that we need to start with today in order to understand what is motivating the instructions he gives.

In v. 17-24, Paul says the same thing three separate times. When a biblical author repeats the same thing multiple times, especially in a short space, you know it’s important.

V. 17:

Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him.

V. 20:

20 Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called.

V. 24:

24 So, brothers, in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God.

So here is the big idea. Paul’s now shifting his focus from people who are clearly immature in their faith, who think that as long as they say they have faith in Christ, they can do anything they want, to people who think they are mature in their faith, but who have a profound misunderstanding of what true Christian maturity actually looks like. They think that Christian maturity comes from massive changes they make to their external situations.

But Paul says that’s not how it works. Real Christian maturity can be seen when we live faithfully within the situation in which he called us.

It’s important to ask, “What ‘calling’ is he talking about?” He’s not talking about a call to ministry, or a call to a particular vocation. He’s talking about the call to follow Christ. That is the call that all of us have received, that all of us share: he has called us to faith in his Son. He has called us to place our trust in him for our salvation, and to live faithfully for him by his grace.

This is crucially important, because the Christian life is about calling…not about external situation. External situations can play a role—some external situations make the Christian life very difficult.

But most do not. And even for those that do, almost none make the Christian life impossible.

It’s absolutely vital that we understand that. Conversion to Christ does not erase our earthly situation. The gospel doesn’t rearrange our marital status, or our social class, or our personality, or our vocation. Rather, it reorients our life inside of those realities.

To put it simply, faithfulness matters more than changes to our external situation. As Paul says in v. 19,

neither circumcision counts for anything nor uncircumcision, but keeping the commandments of God.

That is the underlying principle that guides everything Paul is going to say in our passage today. Paul is going to bring up several different life situations, and he’ll correct misunderstandings that some Corinthians have about what it means to be faithful within those situations.

Married Christians: Faithfulness in Marriage (v. 1–5)

First he talks to married couples, and he rebounds off the subject of sexual immorality to talk about sexual life within marriage. V. 1:

Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

So what’s going on here? People very often use this text as a sort of instruction manual for a strong marriage. Read the Bible, pray, make love as much as you can—and your marriage will be great. Obviously, these are good things, things we would encourage in marriage… But it’s a mistake to presume that regular sex is a guarantee for a good marriage, and it’s a mistake to use this text to defend it, for several reasons.

First, we need to be sensitive to the reality that some people use the Bible to justify behavior that is profoundly unbiblical. This text has been used many times by predatory spouses to justify what is essentially rape. One spouse says to another, “God says your body doesn’t belong to you, it belongs to me. So you have to do this with me, or you’re living in sin.” I hope we can all be very clear that this is not what Paul’s encouraging.

Second, we need to be sensitive to the reality that the way we speak of this text can inadvertently put pressure on a couple to have a certain kind of sexual life that may be a real challenge for them. For some couples, sex is an easy, natural affair; for other couples, it’s a real struggle—either for reasons of physical health or mental health, or because of past trauma, or for any number of other reasons, it can be very difficult. If you’re married and this is the case for you, you should not read this text and come away feeling guilty that a regular, fulfilled sex life with your spouse is difficult.

The third reason is the simplest. I think it’s a mistake to use this text as an instruction manual for a strong marriage because that’s not what Paul’s trying to do here.

He is responding to a specific misunderstanding within this church. Given the biblical calls to purity, some Corinthians had apparently begun to conclude that since sexual immorality is serious, and sexual temptation is prevalent, it’s better to not engage in any sexual activity, even within the confines of a marriage between one man and one woman. Because sexual sin is serious, we should live totally sexless lives, even within our marriage. These married couples are abstaining from sexual relations with their spouse as a means to be more holy.

And Paul’s saying, “No, that’s not how it works.” Sex in itself is not a sin; in fact, within a marriage it is a means of protection against sexual sin. V. 2: Because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.

He’s being extremely exclusive—if you’re married, you have one avenue for your God-given sexual desire, and that is your wife. Your husband. No one else.

In other words, marriage between a man and a woman gives a framework to channel sexual desire into covenant unity. Within the marriage that God gives, sex is no longer an end in itself, but a means of building covenant unity. We see this in v. 4, when Paul says,

4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

This is one of the most counter-cultural statements one could make in the ancient world. And it connects back to what Paul said in last week’s text. You are not your own, he said in v. 19 of chapter 6, you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

What does that look like in marriage? It looks like remembering that my body isn’t mine, it’s God’s; and that God has, for the time we are married, given my body to my wife.

Paul says we shouldn’t deprive one another—this isn’t to say you can’t say no, but rather that the norm for marriage shouldn’t be no but yes.

That’s God’s intention for marriage. Genesis 2.24:

24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

That “one flesh” union is referring to union through sexual intercourse; that is the norm for marriage.

You can separate for a time for prayer if you want, but don’t let it go on forever. Take advantage of the gift God has given us in marriage, to build your unity together.

Now we have to be careful here, and recognize that what Paul says here goes both ways. He never once suggests that the man should dominate; and he never once suggests that the woman should be the only one submitting. He’s saying both of us should submit to one another. He speaks of the man giving to his wife her conjugal rights, and vice versa, not of one spouse taking those rights from the other. There is no dynamic of force or pressure here. Marriage is the framework God gives to channel sexual desire into building one another up, not building one spouse up at the expense of the other.

So what does this have to do with the main point we saw earlier? These Corinthians are under the impression that in order to be truly holy, they must do away with all sexual activity within their marriage, and Paul’s saying, “No.” There’s a right way and a wrong way to do it, but be faithful to God where you are. Honor the covenant of marriage; serve your spouse physically and spiritually; do not give into indulgence or domination, but don’t give into asceticism either. Be faithful where you are.

Single Christians: Faithfulness Without Marriage (v. 6-9)

Paul now turns to the single Christians in the church. V. 6:

6 Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. 7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.
8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

There are a lot of false ideas about what Paul says here, so I’ll just take them one by one.

First (v. 6), he wants to be clear before he starts that he’s not commanding that single Christians stay single, or that single Christians get married. You can stay single, or you can get married. Both are fine.

Second, I know that v. 9 can be misleading if we read it too quickly, so I just want to be clear: if your main reason for wanting to get married is that you struggle with sexual temptation, don’t get married. At least not yet. Wanting to have sexual relations with someone is a terrible reason to marry them. And I don’t think that’s what Paul is suggesting at all when he says, if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

I think that Paul is using just a hint of irony to highlight something extremely important. If you take sexual sin on one hand, and marriage till death do us part on the other hand, which would you say is the riskier option? Which of the two do people take more seriously? People think sexual sin is something that is unfortunate, but “normal”, and relatively risk free. But they’ll think long and hard, they’ll take everything into consideration, often for months or years, before getting married—because getting married is for life.

But this thinking is backwards. According to Paul, if you have to choose between sexual immorality and marriage, marriage is the least risky of the two. He’s not bringing marriage down to the level of a means of satisfying sexual desire; he’s elevating the seriousness of sexual sin.

Sexual sin is so serious that it would be less risky to marry someone for life rather than fall into it.

Third (v. 7-8)—and I really pray that those of you who are single in this room will hear this—Paul says as clearly as possible that singleness is a good thing. Singleness is a gift. We put marriage on such a high pedestal, and marriage is a gift from God. But if anything, Paul actually puts a higher premium on singleness than on marriage. He says, “I wish that all were as I myself am.” He recognizes that it will be tough for some, but he’s very clear that it’s a good thing to be single and to stay single.

He’ll explain why later on in the chapter, but for now we really need to see that this burning desire many single Christians have with marriage can easily fall into the category of idolatry if we’re not careful. Marriage is a gift, yes; but singleness is also a gift. Both are tools that God uses to shape us into his image, at particular times in our lives, and he won’t use the same tools on everyone in the same way and at the same time.

People have often asked me if I thought they might have “the gift of singleness.” They always ask me this question with a frightened look on their face, hoping I don’t say yes, because they want to get married. My answer is always the same.

They ask, “How do I know if I have the gift of singleness?”

I say, “Well…are you single?” If you are, then you have your answer.

Peter tells us in 2 Peter 1 that God has given us all things that pertain to life and godliness. Paul affirms the same thing in chapter 1 of this letter. God will not hold back to any of his children what they need to live faithfully for him. If you are single, then at least for now, you’ve got the gift! You’ve got what you need to remain faithful in your singleness.

That’s the point of everything Paul’s saying here. Being single in no way impedes your ability to live faithfully for Christ. Some situations make the Christian life easier, but no Christian life is truly “easy.” (And, for the record, marriage does not make the Christian life easier. It brings its own set of obstacles and complications, which we’ll see in coming weeks.)

Again, it comes down to the question of maturity. Christian maturity isn’t measured by marital status or the exercise (or lack thereof) of sexual desire. It is measured by faithfulness to God within your calling.

Married Believers: Faithfulness in Difficulty (v. 10-11)

Now Paul comes back to married Christians, and gives them a very simple and blatant command that comes back to the main point. V. 10:

10 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.

Obviously, Paul doesn’t say everything there is to say about this subject here; in Matthew 5, Jesus gives at least one legitimate reason for divorce, which is sexual immorality. Paul’s point isn’t to be exhaustive on the topic of divorce. He simply wants to remind the Corinthians of God’s intention for marriage—that is, marriage is meant to be permanent, as long as the husband and the wife are both living.

There are obviously some reasons in which separation may be necessary—but the ultimate goal is the restoration of that marriage, the reconciliation of the husband and wife.

And yes—let’s call a spade a spade: the Bible’s stand on this subject is strict. It does give a way out for people who have suffered in very specific situations, but those situations don’t apply to most. So saying that if separation occurs, the solution should not be divorce, but rather celibacy or reconciliation…that’s a hard pill to swallow. Paul, and Jesus, refuse to normalize divorce.

But the reason for this strictness is very simple; we’ve been talking about it in our couples’ class. Marriage is meant to be a living picture of the relationship between Christ and the church—and the relationship between Christ and his church is eternal. It is unbreakable. It is a covenant that God has made with his people, and God will not break his covenant.

Consequently, according to God’s plan, marriage is not disposable. If we go into marriage thinking that the goal is our own happiness, a simple celebration of love, then that union will be disposable; we’ll jettison it the moment it no longer fulfills our needs. But if we go into marriage realizing that its goal is to show the gospel to the world…that changes everything. If that’s our goal, then our own happiness is no longer the primary consideration; whether or not this marriage “is working” isn’t the main consideration. The main consideration is, how do we remain faithful to Christ IN the situation in which we find ourselves?

Is it difficult? Of course—sometimes unimaginably so. Is it impossible? Never. If God gives us what we need to stay faithful to him, he also gives us what we need to stay faithful to each other.

So there we have it again: wherever you are, that’s where God calls you to be faithful—even if where you are is in the middle of a difficult marriage. Serve him where you are.

Mixed Marriages: Faithfulness in a Less-Than-Ideal Situation (v. 12-16)

At this point, a new scenario appears, and it complicates things a bit. The Bible says on multiple occasions that if you are a follower of Christ and you’re getting married, you should seek to marry another follower of Christ. It tells us not to marry an unbeliever, for a variety of very simple reasons.

But what happens if you’re already married, both of you are unbelievers, and one of you meets Christ? What happens then? Some Corinthians apparently thought that in that case, the believing spouse should divorce the unbelieving spouse. But Paul gives the following advice (v. 12):

12 To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

One thing to clarify before we get to the main point. When Paul says in v. 14 that “the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife” and vice versa, that as it is, “your children…are holy,” he’s not saying that the faith of the believing spouse actually saves the unbelieving spouse or the children. He’s talking about influence.

We don’t baptize babies at this church; we believe baptism should happen following a profession of faith made by the individual who’s being baptized. But we do insist on the wonderful benefit of being a child that grows up in a family of faith. A parents’ faith doesn’t make a child automatically Christian; but it does give that child a front-row seat to the faith. It gives them the opportunity to be exposed to the gospel over and over again; and God regularly uses the influence of a faithful Christian parent to bring a child to faith, as many of you know firsthand.

Well, the same thing can be true for an unbelieving spouse. It isn’t always—the unbelieving spouse can also have influence on the believer in the couple—but it is possible. God can save anyone he wants, and he can use someone who is close, like a spouse, to do it.

And so, Paul says, if your unbelieving spouse wants to stay with you, then stay with them—be faithful where you are, and do not initiate divorce. Your conversion to the faith after your marriage does not make it less of a marriage, and you never know what God may choose to do through your influence.

That being said, Paul does give a way out. If the unbelieving spouse wants to leave, then let them leave. As he says, “God has called you to peace.” That is not to say that marriages between two Christians aren’t difficult or can’t be conflictual, we just talked about that; the point is that a Christian isn’t doomed to endless marital conflict because of their faith.

If they want to stay, then stay; if they want to leave, let them leave. Serve God faithfully, and trust God with the outcome. In either case, the Christian spouse is called to faithfulness where he or she is.

Conclusion

So I think the unifying principle of this text has been repeated enough to be clear: live faithfully for God where you are.

If you’re married, obey God and serve your spouse.

If you’re single, obey God and practice self-control.

if you’re married to an unbeliever, obey God in your home and stay there if you can.

If you’re abandoned by an unbeliever, obey God and live in peace.

Every person in this room is concerned by what we see in this text in one way or another. But it goes even deeper than that. The Corinthians have assumed that spiritual growth requires a change in their circumstances. But the gospel does not demand that all Christians move into the same structure of life; it demands that everyone submit their current life to Christ.

This may speak to many of us even more than the question of marriage or singleness or purity. How many people here have felt frustrated by the circumstances in their lives, and imagined that if only _______ was different, my Christian life would be so much more fulfilling? How many people here have had that thought that if only I lived in this place, or had this job, or was married to this person, or wasn’t married to this person, or had this security, then finally I’d be able to live for God the way I want to?

I know for a fact that this is a thought that comes up very often, because I’ve thought it myself more than once, and I’ve had discussions with so many people over the years that come down to this simple fact.

If I can be frank with you all, with all the love I have for you: God is sovereign over your life. The life that you have—the situation in which you find yourself today—is the life he has given you. It may not be the life you wanted, but it’s the life he’s given you. And when he saved you, it wasn’t to give you different circumstances, but to give you a different heart, a different identity, and a different eternity.

Christian maturity is not about escaping the life you were living. It is about transforming that life through obedience.

The question is not: “Do I need a different life?”

The question is: “How do I live faithfully to Christ in the life he has given me?”